


The Many Faces of Love

by nothingisreal



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-28 01:11:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17173013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nothingisreal/pseuds/nothingisreal
Summary: Remus doesn't believe he'll ever know what it's like to belong somewhere. Then he comes to Hogwarts and his whole life changes.





	The Many Faces of Love

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really confused how this has happened because a) I haven't planned on writing anything like this and b) I don't really ship them.  
> English isn't my first language (not that it should be a good excuse). Also the last time I read the whole series was years ago and in a different language, so sorry if I got something wrong

Remus had never really felt like he belonged somewhere completely. He knew his parents loved him more than anything in the world. But their love couldn’t help him. When he was a kid, he used to lie in bed, curled up into a ball, and cry himself to sleep. Then he learnt to accept what he was. There was only so much he could do. Life had dealt him a mean card, he couldn’t do anything to change that.

By the time he got the letter from Hogwarts, he knew better than to curse his fate. He was a werewolf, yes. And he’d probably never be able to lead a normal life, like other people. But it could have been so much worse. At least he was alive. He could have been killed that night just as easily. So he had to appreciate that and live his life the best he could. He owed that much to himself and his parents. He knew how much they would have suffered had their only son died as a little child. Son who turned into a monster once a month was better than no son at all. Though he could see how much it pained his mother. It was another reason why he decided not to show how miserable and lonely he was. She needed him to be strong.

It got better after that. In Hogwarts, he found friends - for the first time in his life. He spent so many nights wide awake, imagining all the horrible scenarios where they finally found out the truth (and that was unavoidable, he wasn’t naive enough not to realise that). And then he’d be alone once again. He had been alone all his life but that was back when he had no idea there was another -  _ better _ \- option. And now, that he had experienced what real friendship felt like, he didn’t know how he could ever relearn to live on his own again. He would if he had to. But he was prepared to do anything not to let it come to that. 

Then they found out. And the world didn’t collapse. They weren’t disgusted. They didn’t run away screaming, didn’t kick him out of the dorm, didn’t even stop being his friends. The opposite happened. Remus had never expected, never dared hoping for it, but it seemed to make their friendship even stronger. Instead of turning their backs on him, they decided to  _ help him _ . He had never imagined something like this could happen to him.

From then on, everything else stopped being important. He knew that no matter what would happen, there were three people who always had his back. 

 

***

 

James was in love. Or at least that was what he said. Remus wasn’t quite sure if he believed that. James was enchanted, absolutely mesmerised - that much couldn’t be denied. It was impossible not to be - Lily Evans was one of the prettiest girls in the whole school. Not only that, she was also the best student and nicer than anyone Remus had ever met. But that wasn’t enough to fall in love.

Remus was careful when it came to naming his feelings. Love and hate were two extremes which he prefered to avoid unless there was no more suitable word. He loved his parents. He loved his friends. The same was true for James, he knew that. But it was strange to call, whatever James felt for the girl he had barely spoken to,  _ love _ . Fascination. Adoration. Maybe lust later on - after all, they  _ were _ teenagers. But not something so sacred and precious as love. 

But he could understand James too. James, who from the very first day of his life had everything handed to him on a silver platter - quite literally. He had everything he wanted. He could do everything he wanted. He didn’t know what it was like to feel abandoned and wanting the whole world to end because of how depressed he was. His life had been filled with happiness and fun and all the love he could have ever asked for. There was so little he had to fight for.

So it was obvious that when suddenly something appeared that he couldn’t have, he would do anything to get it. He’d become obsessed. And obviously, for a boy who was filled to the brim with warm feelings, any fascination would feel like love.

Not that Remus disliked Lily - far from it! When he became a prefect, he got the opportunity to get to know her a bit better. And he adored her, really. She wasn’t only pretty and smart. There was something about her that drew him in. She could be charming without trying to. And she reminded him a bit of James, in the way that she would walk through hell for the people she cared for. Even if they hurt her sometimes. He wouldn’t call them friends, it was way too soon, but he hoped they had a chance of becoming that in the future. He could use more of someone like Lily in his life.

 

***

 

It was late. He didn’t know how late exactly but the sun had disappeared hours earlier and the Common Room was empty save for the pair of them. He suspected James and Sirius were out, causing mischief somewhere, but he was exhausted after the last full moon just a couple of days earlier and had no strength to try to stop them. Besides, he didn’t  _ want _ to either. He still hadn’t got over the fact that they became illegal animagi for him. He hoped they knew how much it meant to him because he didn’t think he could express it with words.

“You’re different, Remus,” Lily said suddenly and Remus’s heart stopped.

“Different how?” He asked, hoping his voice didn’t shake too much or that Lily wouldn’t notice the dark blush spreading from his hairline to the unbuttoned collar of his shirt.

Lily shrugged. “You’re not like  _ them _ ,” she said slowly.

Relief made him feel so light like he could fly away any second. 

He didn’t have to ask who she meant.  _ James and Sirius _ . Always together. Always doing something which didn’t quite agree with the rules. He could understand her. She didn’t know them like he did, she had no idea how far they were prepared to go in the name of friendship. For her, they were only two spoiled brats who didn’t know any better.

But he didn’t want to argue. He could have explained it to her but she wouldn’t get it. Not unless he told her his secret and he wasn’t ready for that. He doubted he ever would be. So he just nodded without saying anything, looking back to the textbook in his lap, even though he didn’t see a single word that was written there, too lost in his thoughts.

 

***

 

Remus had mixed feelings about patrolining the hallways. On one hand, it gave him the opportunity to be alone for a bit, clear his head. As much as he loved his friends, he still needed time to wind down, just an hour or two to get lost in his head. On the other hand, Sirius and James liked to use it to escape punishment for sneaking out after curfew. And Remus didn’t have the heart to refuse them, especially not after everything they’d done for him.

Probably thanks to Peeves, it was completely dark in the corridor. Not even one torch was lit. The only light came from the small crescent of the moon shining weakly through the narrow windows and the brightness the snow reflected. New moon. He still had some time. All the pain it caused him aside, he had to admit it was really beautiful. There was something magical in the faint blue light. He could stand there and stare out of the window the whole night.

They weren’t meant to run into each other. It wasn’t very likely that they would, after all Hogwarts was huge. But they did. Literally. He was so lost in his thoughts, he didn’t hear the steps. The next thing he knew, there was a surprised gasp and he was tumbling to the floor with someone landing on top of him. He heard Peeves’s laughter getting quieter as the ghost disappeared through the floor, probably to go bother someone else.

Later he would wonder why his first instinct wasn’t to reach for his wand. But in that moment, all he he could think of was the sweet perfume and the heavy warmth on his chest. 

“I hate him. I hate him  _ so much _ ,” Lily exclaimed, panting heavily, before breaking out into breathless giggles. “Sorry about that,” she whispered. “Peeves has been chasing me around the corridors for almost an hour now. He had snowballs,” she added after a tiny pause, complaint clear in her voice. 

It was only then that Remus became aware of how his hands were resting on her waist. He could feel that the fabric of her robes was slightly moist and cold, as was her hair where it brushed his cheek. “It’s okay,” he replied, wondering why his voice sounded so strange all of a sudden. They didn’t need to whisper but somehow it felt right. With Peeves gone, everything around them was quiet and sleepy once again and he didn’t want to break that peace. “You alright?”

Lily still hadn’t moved from where she’d landed on top of him. She just sort of raised herself on her hands, so that she was no longer fully lying on his chest. She was so close that even in the dim light he could see how green her eyes were. A nod was the only reply he got but it was enough. Besides, Remus had sort of broken her fall. There’d probably be some fresh bruises on his back but that was nothing unusual. 

He couldn’t explain how it happened or why but there were lips pressing against his own. His instincts seemed to be working correctly again, because he pushed at Lily’s shoulders before a sensible thought could even enter his mind.

“James likes you,” he mumbled, feeling his cheeks get even hotter.

“I don’t like him,” she replied immediately.  _ Stubborn _ .

“I can’t do this to a friend.”

Lily sighed, pulling back a couple of inches. She regarded Remus through narrowed eyes, as if she was studying every line of his face. “He doesn’t have to know,” she whispered in the end. 

Remus knew he was doing something unforgivable but he didn’t find the strength to push her away when she leaned down to kiss him again.

 

***

 

He tried not to let the feeling of Sirius’s darkened eyes fixed on his face unsettle him. But it did. It felt like his friend was trying to burn a hole in his forehead. 

“What is it?” He exploded finally, slamming his quill down onto the table with such force it broke. 

Sirius raised an eyebrow. “ _ That _ for example,” he said, voice level, and pointed at the small pool of ink on the table, where the bottle had been knocked over, some of the dark liquid smeared all over Remus’s hand and the cuff of his shirt. “You’ve been acting so weird lately.”

Remus stopped breathing. He could only sit there opening and closing his mouth like a fish taken out of water. “I… I don’t know what you mean.” Even to him it didn’t sound convincing but it was the best he could come up with. His whole face was burning and his throat was squeezed tight, making it hard to breathe.

Sirius huffed a laugh, raising one corner of his mouth. “James may not notice right now but I’m not an idiot, you know.”

“I know,” Remus agreed quietly. Despite what other people seemed to think Sirius was actually quite perceptive. A bit  _ too _ perceptive maybe. “I don’t really want to talk about it.”

He was convinced Sirius was going to argue, to push for an answer. But his friend just sighed heavily and nodded his head.

“Okay,” he whispered, getting up from where he was sitting cross-legged on the floor. His hand on Remus’s arm felt too heavy and hot when Sirius squeezed his shoulder in what was probably meant to be a reassuring gesture. “But if you ever change your mind, you know where I am.”

 

***

 

“We have to stop this,” Remus whispered. He doubted the words carried much weight though. Not with his fingers running through Lily’s hair and Lily’s naked breasts moving rhythmically against his chest with every breath she took. 

Lily sighed against the side of his neck and leaned in to press a kiss there. “Do you want to?” 

“No,” he whispered. He couldn’t lie to her. He never could. He didn’t want to and he was sure she would see right through it every time.

“In that case we don’t,” she said decidedly.

Remus wanted to argue, to try and convince her what they were doing was wrong. But then she straddled him, her lips finding his in the darkness of his dormitory and he couldn’t bring himself to stop her. They were alone. The other three boys had left for Christmas and Remus wanted to feel bad about what he was doing but he was too happy for that.

Lily pulled away and he could vaguely see her smile. Her hands trailed up and down his body and he stopped breathing. She had to be able to feel the raised skin on his chest, his left side, his hip… He didn’t hate his scars usually, he never gave them enough thought for that, they were just a proof that he had survived another difficult night. But with Lily’s fingers on his skin, he suddenly felt self-conscious.

Besides, she was smart. Perhaps the smartest witch he had ever known. Certainly smart enough to put two and two together and figure out his secret. It was a surprise she hadn’t done that already. And then she would leave. At least Remus wouldn’t have to feel guilty about what he was doing to James anymore. Not that it soothed the suffocating pain in his chest at the thought of Lily being disgusted with him. 

But she didn’t say anything. Not as she traced her fingers down the lines of his scars, nor as she followed with her mouth, kissing her way down Remus’s body in a way that somehow felt loving more than arousing. 

Remus didn’t know how he could have ever got that lucky. He thought that maybe it was life’s way of repaying him for everything he had had to go through. He didn’t particularly care anyway. Not with Lily so close to him, completely  _ his _ .

 

***

 

It was pure torture. Every time James threw his arm around Remus’s shoulders - laughing about something, so happy and carefree, as if everything in the world was beautiful and nothing could hurt him - something heavy settled itself ever deeper in Remus’s stomach. James had no clue. He went out every month, risked his  _ life _ for Remus and what did Remus do to repay him? He decided to sleep with the one girl James was crazy about. 

Obviously, it wasn’t just that. It was so much more than simply sex but maybe that made it even worse. One ill-advised decision because his mind was clouded with lust could have been forgiven. Wishing he could keep Lily forever, all to himself, and never let her go; imagining their future together - a future he knew they didn’t have - it was against every single rule he had ever made for himself. That wasn’t how he’d been brought up. It wasn’t what he believed in. Even if what James felt wasn’t love, Remus had no right to do something awful like that.

But he simply couldn’t give her up, no matter how much he might have wished for that. 

 

***

 

The paintings on the wall of prefects’ bathroom bothered him. Not enough to make him leave though. It was the last night before their summer break. In just a couple of months they would start their final year at Hogwarts. Remus was genuinely terrified.

Hogwarts had been his safe place for the last six years. He couldn’t imagine leaving, returning to the  _ real world _ for good. He knew what life was like. People grew apart, lost contact with each other. Not at first. It would take several months - a year maybe. It wouldn’t be too bad for the others. They would always have someone by their side, meet new people, find jobs they loved, settle down, have their own families…

Remus wasn’t exactly jealous of that. Sad maybe. Lost. It would take time before he could find his footing again. If he ever could.

Lily said his name, not for the first time judging by her impatient and slightly concerned tone, and Remus was startled out of his musings to find a pair of bright green eyes staring at him questioningly. 

“Stop thinking so hard,” Lily advised quitely, pressing her back closer to Remus’s chest. “If you have to, worry about it in September.”

Remus didn’t say anything. He nodded and pressed his lips to Lily’s shoulder, his arms tightening around her. If he had known a spell to stop the time, he would have used it. There was nothing which could make him feel more secure than holding her. Just feeling her heat against his body and feeling her chest rising and falling with every breath she took. Knowing that she was alive. 

His lips wandered lower down her back, not stopping the caress until she giggled and turned around to kiss him properly. Her wet hair, smelling of her shampoo, familiar and flowery, clung to her cheeks, flushed from the hot water. As he reached down to run his fingers down the smooth skin of her thigh and heard her pleased sigh, he couldn’t help wondering if she knew as well as he did that it would be the last time ever.

 

***

 

He was happy for James, happier than he thought possible. But there was that thought he couldn’t get out of his mind, no matter how hard he tried. It appeared in his dreams, whenever he was lucky enough to fall asleep at all. And then it haunted him until he was half-awake, feeling like he was running a fever and no longer able to tell reality and fantasy apart. 

Pictures of the wedding. Lily in a white dress, grinning at her new husband and happier than he’d ever seen her. Much happier than he could have ever made her. But that wasn’t the worst. He didn’t quite know what pain meant until recently. Now each time he saw her, it was like a stab to the heart. Lily in short sundresses, none of which were loose enough to conceal the curve of her growing belly by now. And the thought that it could have been him.

He had imagined it all before, back in Hogwarts. Falling asleep to Lily secure in his arms every night, choosing the furniture together, decorating the room for kids… But it was a different world, a different universe. None of that could have ever happened, even without James in the picture. His own feelings aside, he was relieved she had chosen James. 

James was one of his best friends. Remus trusted him with his life. And he knew there was nothing he wouldn’t do for people he cared for. James could give Lily everything she wanted and more. And he could keep her safe and happy much better than Remus could ever dream of.

And he loved her. Genuinely and more than he ever loved anyone else. Remus didn’t need to be told that. He could see it. In the way James looked at his new wife. The gentle hand on Lily’s stomach. The protective arm wrapped around her shoulders whenever someone as much as  _ looked _ at her the wrong way.

Remus was happy that his friend finally knew what it felt like to love Lily.

 

***

 

A black dog was waiting by his front door when Remus got back home one day. It felt like a bad omen, especially with the WANTED poster hanging right above its head. But Remus knew his friend didn’t care, probably even found it funny.

“You’re going to get caught,” he warned, opening the door and making a wide motion with his hand. 

“I don’t plan to,” Sirius said, voice raw, as Remus locked his door. 

“I should apologise,” Remus said, crossing his arms on his chest. “I should have known you would have never betrayed them.”

Sirius shook his head and smiled. It was weak but genuine - as genuine as any smile he had sent Remus back at school. “You’ve apologised already. It’s okay.”

“It’s not,” Remus protested. The guilt was eating away at him because he should have known better. But he knew there was no way to explain that to Sirius.

“Did you ever tell her?”

Remus stared at him blankly, puzzled by the sudden change of topic.

“Did you ever tell Lily that you loved her?”

Remus widened his eyes and held his breath. “What?” He croaked out weakly, propping himself up against the wall with one hand.

“That’s a  _ no _ then,” Sirius muttered, studying him in a way which made Remus wish he was invisible. 

“Why are you asking?” Remus asked, louder than he’d been meaning to, suddenly finding his voice.

Sirius shrugged. “I’ve had a lot of time to think,” he said and Remus felt a pang of guilt again when he imagined his friend in Azkaban, all alone and surrounded by dementors. Punishment for a crime he would have rather died than commit. “My biggest regret is not telling James often enough how much I appreciated him.”

Remus bit his lip and looked away with a nod. “How do you know anyway?”

“You weren’t as good at hiding it as you thought. Don’t worry,” he added quickly just as Remus felt like he was about to fall over, “James was too blind to notice.”

“Do you want something to eat?” Remus asked weakly, feeling like he couldn’t have that conversation any long. “Maybe a bath or-?

“I’m good,” Sirius said. Remus didn’t miss the gratitude flitting across his face though. “I should go now. I’m putting us both in danger by being here.”

He didn’t give Remus time to say anything. He turned the lock and then there was a big black dog pushing the knob down with its paw and running quickly across the street. Remus watched it stop to drink some water from a puddle before running further. He stood there, propped against the doorframe, staring into distance until Sirius became nothing more than a fuzzy dark shape before disappearing completely. Even then, Remus didn’t move, lost in thoughts, remembering how much easier life used to be. He was right to be afraid of the  _ real world _ . But now, after everything that had happened, it didn’t really scare him anymore.


End file.
